Blame and Shame: Why Are They the Wrong Way to Defeat Bias? #Blame and Shame: Why Are They the Wrong Way to Defeat Bias?

You don’t really need to read this article. Why? Mostly because you already have the answer to the question posed in the title: Why are blame and shame the wrong way to defeat bias?

You know the answer because it is embedded in your past experiences, in those painful times when a colleague or friend or enemy for that matter called you out on a point-of-view or conclusion. “You’re wrong. Where did you get a crazy idea like that?” they might have said. Or something like, “That didn’t make any sense; you just aren’t thinking clearly,” or even a simple, “You can’t be serious!”

How did those critiques make you feel? Did those shaming responses motivate you to consider the possibility that you were wrong? I suspect not. To the contrary, if you are anything like me, that harsh response served only to drive you into a deep state of defensiveness. Specifically, into a corner in which you are compelled to vigorously explore all the arguments about why your statement was indeed correct; no open mindedness, no receptivity to another point of view, no flexibility.

This defensiveness in the face of shaming responses is particularly potent when it comes to a situation in which someone expresses a bias – an inflexible belief about a category of people. Situations involving the expression of a bias are particularly likely to trigger defensiveness because biases often involve strong emotion. Shame and blame comments will only make things worse.

This matters to us as D&I practitioners because a central objective of our work is to diffuse bias and open minds, to promote discussion, not shut it down. How can anyone consider an alternative view if they are busy defending themselves? Not possible.

So, what would be a better way to respond to a biased statement? Again, you have the answer in your past experiences. Think of a time when someone disagreed with you, but – rather than shame you – they honored your right to feel how you felt while gently proposing a different point-of-view. I’ll wager you at least considered changing your mind.

Of course, all this does not mean we tolerate blatant expressions of racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. It does mean we respond to people in a way that is most apt to motivate a change of attitude. This three prong approach just might do the trick – give it a try.

Set a Productive Goal: What are you trying to accomplish in the conversation? Is it to make the speaker feel guilty or inadequate or, instead, is it to give them room and motivation to examine their thinking and possibly change their attitude?
Avoid Voicing Accusations: Accusing the person of being “racist,” “sexist,” “homophobic,” etc. is as problem for a couple of reasons. First, unless we are mind readers (or, maybe more accurately, “heart” readers), there is no way except in the most extreme situations to know what the speaker really believes. They may be racist, they may not. Perhaps a bias is driven, less by hatred, than by fear or ignorance.
Listen, Listen, Listen: How else will we know what the person really feels? How will we know how to overcome resistance, bias, or even hate if we don’t listen to what they have to say? We can’t. Give listening a try; you just might be surprised at want you hear.

The material in this post reflects the ideas expressed in Dr. Thiederman’s book 3 Keys to Defeating Unconscious Bias and in the training videos Defeating Unconscious Bias: 5 Strategies and Gateways to Inclusion: Turning Tense Moments into Productive Conversations.

Sondra Thiederman can be contacted for virtual facilitation, and panel participation by clicking here or calling 619-583-4478. For additional information, go to this link to learn more about what Dr. Thiederman has to offer.

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