I have a confession. Some months ago, I attended a presentation on the topic of transgender and nonbinary
identities. The presentation was excellent, the facilitator knowledgeable, the content fascinating (and, frankly, much of it new to me.).
It’s that “new to me” part of this story that created a moment of real learning for me. There was one part of the session that confused me – it had to do with the issue of using pronouns as a sign of respect to those who identify as transgender. I was concerned that the emphasis on pronouns would discourage some from approaching others out of fear of using the wrong pronoun. How, I figured, could we build respect and identify commonalities if we are afraid to reach out.
My first instinct was to raise my hand, voice my concern, and – as usually happens when we ask questions, learn. But, guess what, I didn’t do it. I tried, really I did, but somehow I just couldn’t get my hand in the air. Hard as I tried, it wouldn’t budge.
Why the paralysis? Put simply: I was afraid. I was afraid I’d offend, afraid I’d appear ignorant, afraid I’d misspeak.
The result of all this fear? I missed out. I missed out on getting my query answered of course. But, more important, I missed an opportunity to connect and learn from those who are in some way different from me.
That’s a mistake I hope to never make again.
The material in this post reflects the ideas expressed in Dr. Thiederman’s book 3 Keys to Defeating Unconscious Bias and in the training videos Defeating Unconscious Bias: 5 Strategies and Gateways to Inclusion: Turning Tense Moments into Productive Conversations.
Sondra Thiederman can be contacted for virtual facilitation, and panel participation by clicking here or calling 619-992-3766. For additional information, go to this link to learn more about what Dr. Thiederman has to offer.
© copyright 2026 Sondra Thiederman, Ph.D.
Feel free to re-print or re-post this article as long as copyright and web site (www.thiederman.com) information are attached.